It was almost dawn as i sat by that cliff watching... probably waiting for something to jump out and push me off. It wouldnt really matter if it did then maybe these tears would fall for the last time.
He had scared me I guess. His words had hurt me more than I thought they would. I faced him with the courage ofa wolf and left from his presence in a whimpering heap.
His words had stung me for I knew they were true. I knew that much. Ive tried to deny it but it only made me feel worst. I knew that this, that I, the flightless angel, the heartless feind who draws people with misique bewildering them and pushes them away with harsh words, that I was a terrible fraud. And he knew. He saw through that fraud seeing the darkness in my soul.
That darkness that slowly eats away the few remaining light I had, causing me to sink deeper into this depression I possess and grow more bitter.
It hurt me to know that his harsh words were not his doing but my own upon myself. I pushed him to the edge of his patience.
I began to chuckle to myself darkly as I realized once again I drove someone to the brink of their tempers by merely being myself too well. I wouldve taunted him if I didnt think he was serious. I chuckled once more as I rememberd the words he had spoken. I chuckled though the tears continued to flow down my cheeks. I chuckled though I could still feel my heart being crushed.
"The problem with you is the fact that you're so skeptical! you dont believe in the good in people, hell! you dont even believe in the goo in you let alone in other people... not to mention your sarcasm, your hypocritical beliefs that seem to apply to everyone and everything other than yourself! Your hard headed and stubborn. You believe in everything being against you when the truth is... YOU are the worst one against yourself... You ended up despising yourself too much..."
"You're a fool! a flightless angel who breaks all the rules but the ones that benefit you. You have a terrible temper! You're blatantly brutal with your remarks. You curse those around you for wanting to be close to you. You push them away and feel that you are betrayed... when the truth is... you drive them away! Just as you drive everyone else away with your hot-cold-warm tendancies. Moody! Regretful! Ruthless! Caring! Disastrous! Peaceful! Cold hearted! Then suddenly... POOF! Careful!"
"You make yourself hated! In the end you really are just a heartless feind... A creature who thrives on the loneliness and feeds on the hopelessness of both yourself and of others... You are the embodyment of pathetic... You live your life as a cursed one would... People pity you... even you pity yourself... truthfully... you deserve more than pity... you deserve distaste... You trully are pathetic... even more than what you are willing to admit..."
I sighed, brushing my hair aside, for a while, holding on to a few strands and bringing them to the view of my purple eyes rimmed with tears. Silver. It glistened with the few rays of sunlight that the early call of dawn brought about.
A flightless angel. Yes, indeed that was what I was... Flightless in both the literal and the metaphoric way. The literal, being the curse of being a fallen whose dark ebony wings were cut off. Metaphoric in a sense that I remain so rooted in my confussion that I refuse to leave it behind. Refusal to move forward as I stare ruefully at those who move ahead of me. Those who are guided by their beliefs... their will to accept change, they are guided to take flight, while I remain flightless. Alone. Distressed. Afraid.
Yes, they were right indeed. Flightless angel.
I sighed as I let the strands go and I stared intently on the rising sun. Perhaps someday, I'd be able to welcome the sun with a smile instead of tears. Perhaps someday, I'd be able to find my memories and be able to move away from this darkness.
I smiled sadly. Yes, that was a beautiful thought. Maybe then I could be forgiven for my failures. My incompetence in the past, present and the future. But... until then... I can not face the wake of dawn that way.
I stood up brushing my dark skirt as I took one last look at the rising sun. With that optimistic thought which I tried to remain, I turned my back upon the sun to walk back into the safe familiarity of the dark.
A Flightless Angel indeed.
((Thanks alot to the person who told me these words... Really... I appreciate the fact that you opened my eyes to the cruelty of my actions vs. the cruelty of all the human beings in the world))
Im sorry
sleepy and tired
